me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Best mom ever 😂
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”