*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You Might Also Like
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
“and how does that make you feel?”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.