I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights