Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
translated into Canadian
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.