Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
jesus christ confetti not now
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.