I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
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Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
That’s classic.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.