I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017