Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I’m awake but I object,
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?