I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”