Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
San Francisco has too many rules
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.