You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert