Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.