A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Breaking news:
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Are you ok, human???
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.