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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”