[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth