“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office