“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
You Might Also Like
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY