[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue