My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”