I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
You Might Also Like
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey