My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
That took me a moment.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.