“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
So creative 😂
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.