Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid