Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.