ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what