CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
You Might Also Like
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Am I having a stroke?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.