[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
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Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅