The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.