Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
decorating my apartment
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Oh. My. God.