Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Swedish for common sense.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.