the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.