that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
🤣😂
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*