People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”