Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
#ParentingFacts
Ugh
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*