[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Krampus.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”