Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home