FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
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This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea