A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
is this how new cars are made??
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex