If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me irl