A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
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Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I gave up going to work for lent.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.