Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You Might Also Like
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath