couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.