SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?