It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.