Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
You Might Also Like
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”