Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.