GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox