*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search