My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus đĄ
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: ohâŠwe’re halfway thereâŠ
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I amâŠI wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
FRIEND: Whatâs the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
[party city]
employee: you donât work hereâwhy are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: Iâve got stock holmes syndrome
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess Iâm back
Wow…Looks like Iâve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
Iâm getting fatter.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said âall doneâ. And honestly, Iâve paid for worse.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, âWhat would Jesus do?â
…and thatâs how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Friend: Iâm poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you wonât believe what I have for you!
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If I had Pokemon, Iâd pretend to understand them. Theyâd go âBulba bulbaaasaurâ and Iâd be like âWhat do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?â
âChildren are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.â
– John F. Kennedy
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother