I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.